Bizarre dream

I forgot to mention this in my previous post. I had the weirdest dream last night. It started when we were at the hospital after having the baby. They were about to discharge us when the nurse asked what we were going to clothe the baby in for the ride home. I completely forgot to bring an outfit! So they gave us something and we left. On the ride home I said to Dave, "OMG...we don't have anything for the baby! We don't have a crib, or even a changing pad. We don't even had diapers and neither one of us even knows how to change a diaper!" So the next day, I went to work (!!wha!!) and Dave stayed home and at some point I realized that I hadn't nursed the baby at all since we came home and there were no bottles since I hadn't pumped and no formula (and still no diapers...LOL). So by the time I got home from work, I was in a panic. Home was somewhere with a big stage (like a Theatre) and there were a bunch of people there. I ran down and got the baby (a boy) and he was standing up. I took him to a rocking chair and turned it the other way so that I could nurse. I had a million buttons on my shirt and I couldn't get them undone with just one hand, so the baby helped me! He finally nursed and then he stood up and said to everyone, "Milk is good!" with a thumbs up sign. Everyone was laughing and I woke up horrified and wanting to go out and buy diapers!

OMG...what does that all mean?

Inspired by Holly!

Okay woman...I am posting a blog and you were my inspiration to start this up again! LOL

Wow...it has been a reallllllly long time since I have updated here. Let's see...the last time I was around 5w. Now I am 12w3d!! This is further than I have ever gotten before with a pregnancy...by far. We had our 1st trimester screening last Monday and if we based the results on just the u/s our baby is perfect and normal and healthy and wiggly :-) Unfortunately I got a call on Friday that the results of everything combined (u/s, b/w, age, history) puts us at a much higher risk than a typical woman my age (1 in 62 chance of Down's to be exact). I was completely crushed. I cried off and on for the rest of the night, while Dave did his usual research and tried to reassure me that we shouldn't worry. Yeah right. He said that a 1 in 62 chance means that there is a 98.4% chance that it is normal. And he reminded me that we had seen a nose in the u/s (I found out that Down's babies don't usually have a nasal structure). And that the u/s showed us excellent results! So I am trying not to obsess and worry during every minute...but it is not easy.

Tomorrow we go in for the CVS. I am pretty nervous about the longggggggggggg needle that they are going to stick into my belly! More nervous about the results than I am about the risk of m/c. Of course I am somewhat worried about the risk of m/c...but my peri says that the chance of that happening is like 1 in 400. I was really hoping that they would be giving us preliminary results...but no...it will take probably 10 days :-( This is going to be worse than the 2ww!

So enough worry stuff! This has been a gorgeous weekend! Yesterday I went early and had my oil changed (they did it for free!), bought a cute maternity top at Target, stopped at my favorite farm stand a loaded up baby! All before 10:00 am! Dave took me to lunch at our favorite place for breakfast/lunch on the weekend :-) I had a cup of brocolli soup and a California BLT...yum. I can't believe how much Dave can eat...he had a large toasted blueberry muffin, an egg and cheese sandwich, a large side of corned beef hash (soooo good), and entire bowl of coleslaw that I couldn't eat! Yikes! We then had a rolicking trip to Home Depot and Walmart...LOL. Dave golfed with my bro Mark in the afternoon and I cleaned the house and then relaxed with a book :-) Today...I dunno. I am going to read some more this morning and I have to go grocery shopping. Maybe I will see if Dave will take a drive up north to stop in some antique shops. He probably won't go...but maybe I will go on my own!

Okay, I promise to you Holly that I will update more often! I think that my problem has been that I am on too many boards and it is hard to update in 7 different places! LOL

5 weeks!

I haven't posted in a while, and this one is going to be short. Well apparently the worlds suckiest IVF cycle actually got me pregnant! Of course we have a long way to go. So far I have had two betas (87 and 395) that looked good. Last beta is 5/29 and then we have to bite our fingernails until 6/7 for the first u/s. The first u/s will give us an idea if this pregnancy looks good, or if it will end. Ackkk...I hate the waiting!

Friday the 13th - how ironic

If my first baby hadn't died, it would have been one today (provided I had given birth on my due date that is). It really sucks to have to pass this anniversary again and still not have a baby or even be pg. I guess that there are people who are lucky and get everything that they dream of exactly when they want it...and there are people who have to struggle and fight for everything...and still don't end up with their dream. Guess which one I am?

Ugh...I'm such a downer today. I don't even want to be around me :-( So I guess that I will do what I am always expected to do...pretend to be positive and optimistic and full of sunshine. Wait...scratch that. If I don't feel like being full of sunshine today then I am not going to be! If I feel like crying all day then I am going to. I know that nobody wants to hear about how depressed I am...so that is why I am not going to talk to anyone about it and I am not going to feel bad about that.

signed,
a cynical sista

So blah

Lupron is killing me! On the one hand I am very lucky not to be suffering from the severe headaches that some people get. On the other hand...I can barely get through the days b/c I am soooooooooo tired! My eyes are burning and I cannot concentrate on anything. I am also having memory problems. I cannot remember conversations that I had five minutes ago! Kind of scary that I am operating heavy machinery (my car!). How many more days do I have to be on this?

Groggy Saturday

So we had a kitty incident at 3:00 a.m. I was woken from a sound sleep to the sound of a kitty or kitties going bollistic downstairs. At first I thought that maybe it was just a tiff and would blow over. But the noise level was getting worse and sounded violent, so I grabbed my glasses and ran downstairs to break it up. The Fip was near the door to the deck and in full rabid Cujo mode!! I tried to calm her and see what she was freaking out about...poor thing was puffed up about 3x her normal size. The hissing seemed to be directed towards the deck, so I flipped on the light to see if there was a racoon or something out there. ACKKKK...what did I see but my precious little Peach Pie the Wonder Kitty!! Peach Pie the INDOOR kitty!! So I panicked and yanked the door open to grab her...and set off the stupid alarm! I slammed the door shut and ran for the keypad, but it was too late...the alarm company had been notified. I got the alarm to turn off and ran back outside to try and find my poor terrified kitty. I called her name and she ran into my arms shaking like a leaf :-(((( I was so mad at Dave for letting her out! He "claims" that it was an accident and he didn't even know that she had gotten out. Likely story...ha!!

Anyway...I woke up quite groggy this morning.

We went into NYC today for the auto show at the Javits Center. I drove in with J&G and Dave followed with his friend from S.Africa, Nick. Dave and N. were 3.5 hours late meeting us...we were very irritated with them! The show was fun, but by the end I was completely exhausted. The Lupron really does a number on my energy level. I am being naughty and having a glass of wine tonight. No one told me not to while on Lupron, but I haven't been drinking b/c I am so tired from the med. Oh well...I really needed a glass of wine after last night and this long day. I am going to bed pretty soon anyway...lol.

Cheers!!

Back in the saddle

This is my first post in my new blog! Whoooo! I decided to track my thoughts, emotions, results for this...my 2nd IVF cycle...here. Why. I'm not entirely sure! Maybe as a reminder to myself that I am going to be putting my body and soul through an awful lot and I need to remember to take care of myself (e.g. rest and pampering). Maybe so that I can keep everyone (who is interested that is) updated with my progress, as I still haven't decided how much information I want to disclose verbally (sorry, but it gets so hard to have to repeat things 10x every day). Why am I starting now instead of when we started this whole ttc journey 3 years ago? I guess that it just didn't occur to me to blog it all!! lol

recap on the last 3 yrs (ttc focused):

1. tried on our own for 8 months
2. met with 1st RE, did loads of testing
3. diagnosed w/hypothyroidism (explains that 12 lbs!)
4. 3 rounds of Clomid (gain weight w/every cycle), BFP on 3rd one!
5. m/c at 11w1d
6. 4 more rounds of Clomid and more weight gain
7. met w/new RE
8. 3 rounds of injectible meds w/IUI, BFP on 3rd one!
9. m/c at 9w
10. IVF #1 in Sept 06, BFN :-(
11. J&D save as much $$ as they can for IVF #2
12. IVF #2 in April/May 07!!

Okay, got all that?

So I started Lupron last night. Lupron, otherwise known as Loopy Lupron, is already doing it's thing...actually was doing it's thing within 15 minutes of the shot! This is a suppression drug and causes the hormone levels (estrogen and progesterone) to crash and put you into a...well a suppressed state! I have heard that the side effects can include: severe headache, fatigue, clumsiness, and a general ditziness. So far I have just a mild headache...but I am very very tired and feel out of it and kind of clumsy. This should be a fun ride! Stay tuned.